2020 Has Been Nuts and It Still October
It’s Monday morning in the midst of a pandemic. I know 2020 has not been exactly a year, but my feelings about this year are just so painful and overwhelming. People have many traumatic experiences in the past that still brought up to this time, and so do I. Life is already hard and I found myself harder. This year I turned 22, which I supposedly graduate, get a job, and finding my own business outside the city. Well, at least I achieved one of my goals which is graduated this year. But knowing I have to face a lot of unemployment, viruses everywhere, and my own problematic low self-esteem is just making my life feel more like a catastrophe. I feel like I cannot handle anything right. The worst part, I still clueless wherever and whenever I tried something. I always feel like a failure this year. Well, it has been my feeling since I was a kid, but you know, this time is the worst.
As a conscious human being, I know that every dark moment always has tiny light. It’s more like what I believe. There must be solutions to every problem or mistake I made. Even though that is so so much tough to face this time. I feel like I’m inside a deep hole that I see hope above me but too far away, I just can’t reach it in the meantime. It is not my second time to ask myself and God, the purpose of all this. Sometimes it does not feel make sense at all. And one thing that I found out so snobby from myself is when I ask God “why me?”. Why me that suppose to have these problems, why it suppose to be me who face those burden. Like who the hell me? of course, God wanting me to be stronger. God wants me to change mentally because I am aware that I was so weak.
I know that even though now I am still jobless, start a business which has so much struggle on it, not have clear skin and symmetric face, not have the ideal body, not have the newest collection of fashion street brand, fail with trying new skincare product, waste my time on something that is unnecessary, always wanting to go back to good memories in the past, so on and so forth, I learned so much from what happens this year. But still, learn from it doesn’t mean I already do it right afterward. solutions might come from my brain, but to make it happen, it takes time. The universe needs to process, and so do I.
Lastly, the most important thing, I realize that I have wonderful people around me, who love and support me. I thank God for that. For me, that’s more than anything this year.